Lowering my ego

Earlier today, I said yes when my mother asked if would like to go for Al-Quran classes again. It's been a while since I had formal training in Islamic knowledge, particularly learning the technicalities of perfecting the reading of the Quran. In my pursuit to be near to the deen (religion) again, this opportunity was a truly a blessing.

When it was my turn to read the Quran, I read with what I thought, very confidently. I've recently corrected my pronunciation of the 'throat letters' thanks to a friend. That was my energy booster because I thought I improved.

Sadly, I was wrong.

My first feedback was that I read too fast. My ustazah said to read the Quran slowly, as to appreciate every huruf (letter) of the Surah. That stung; it was like a slap in my face. My overthinking mind started to come and play: 

" Does she look at me as someone who does not appreciate the Quran?"

Throughout the whole time, I was corrected over and over again.

"Huruf  ro kasrah bertemu dengan lam bunyi macam R-I-L , bukan R-E-L"

"the letter 'ro kasrah' that meets with lam must sound like R-I-L and not R-E-L"

"bunyi tho , lidah kena ke tengah dan tepi..bukan kedepan"

"the sound dho, your tongue has to go in the middle and the side, not the front"

I was trying my best to take it positively although I felt more and more useless by the minute. It did not help that my nose was completely blocked from an allergy reaction so there were some sounds I couldn't make and improve on. 

But Masha Allah, my ustazah was very understanding. She taught me very slowly, and there was no pressure to learn quick. People who know me KNOW that I get serious anxieties when I learn. (Unpopular opinion, I self diagnose myself as having phonophobia, or fear of sudden loud noises). I dread being in situations where I know something loud is going to happen at any time and I have no control over it. This includes sudden screaming from teachers, balloons,microwaves without digital timers and even toasters!

Anyways, we covered Surah Al-Fatihah and the first few verses of Surah Al-Baqara. Two beautiful verses that are so important to our deen. I don't have to tell you how important Al- Fatihah is. There is a reason why it is required to read it first in our prayers everytime. 

To wrap it up, I asked my ustazah if she could tell me the meaning of the surahs I'm reading. I wish I could type it all here but that's a blog post on it's own. 

While I dwell on my shortcomings of sucking at reading the Quran, I realized something beautiful. This was a beautiful reminder that I should not pride on what I already know. There is still a thousand quadrillion things that I don't know.  My problem was that my intention was more on impressing my teacher rather than actually learning something new. Once I rectify it, everything becomes easier. This experience humbled me, and made me realized how  fortunate I am to have what I have, and that I should not sit around and do nothing while all these knowledge is just in front of me to be brought in.

As for this class, I've decided to continue. While it hurts to know that I'm not reading my duaas properly and it worries me if my duaas have ever been accepted by Allah SWT (especially in prayers), I told myself to take this as a challenge! There is this GREAT human being that is willing to teach me to perfection and with kindness and patience beyond comparison, why would I stop?

I was even more touched that my ustazah told my mum that she wants to focus on my reading before I continue my studies so I'm well equipped on my own! SubhanALLAH. Where am I going to find someone like this?

Our ego works in mysterious ways. There are times we're so proud at ourselves for lowering our ego and we feel that we're such humble human beings. Other times, we refuse to tolerate and think we're so superior. A great person lowers his or her ego in ALL situations. Someone great accepts positive criticism and their main priority is to be a better person. In contrast, someone who refuses to put their ego down tries their hardest to deflect any criticism said on their part. They either say "That's not true!" or they divert the blame to the other person. In other cases, they bring other unrelated issues just to get the spotlight off themselves. Unfortunately, I've seen this happen with my own eyes, and I might have been someone like this as well growing up. What's important, is how you become a better person afterwards.

Today was a life lesson that I will never forget. I am forever grateful that a 20 minute class inspired me to tell myself that I am never too smart to stop learning more. Alhamdulilah . My heart feels full today :)